The Bovine Manifesto

The Bovine Manifesto: A Theory on how Cows Got Their Spots

Bovines of the Plains Unite!

! Beau vines de la Plain Unite !

People converse across the world debating whether cows are the laziest animals on Earth! They think to themselves, “these cows do nothing but eat grass all day hardly moving or even to raise their heads.” They say, “them cows must be hungry all day and night.” Excuse me, Sir?!? The cow is sleeping there so they can run ahead of panthers and like even if they did sleep on their sides like a restless human being they’d have to wake up with a clogged artery or stomach. I should know, I was once 315 pounds and the only way I survived obesity was by eating berries. That’s why I have such a special connection with the contented bovine. How do they fill their massive stomachs and bodies to the brim on the green grass? They have to be lazy, Sir! They eat, eat, eat, must eat, eat, eat, and that’s just to maintain themselves. But to say they’ll eat until the cows come, home? Blasphemy! A cow will never eat until the cows come home. You would have to believe that taste buds convince the animal grass tastes good to think that. It’s too difficult for evolution to circumvent the basic use of taste buds to select nutritional food the body need. The sweet tooth is more powerful a force than any human being can understand intuitively.

Let me restate the problem of the cow: they must spend all day and maybe all night eating eating eating grass. It is their terrible fate. Cows have a dozen stomachs filled with various enzymes that digest the grass at their own genetically defined speed. Ideally, there’s a constant intake for them just like any other animal or human being. But it’s too difficult to eat all day when you have stomachs that are full and grass that tastes bogus. This is the reason cows developed their spots. Their dark blobs vary in size and shape connecting in places and isolated in others. For an animal outside and inside aren’t distinct unless they recognize each other. Confusion of boundaries open desires and perceiving the whole allows desires to express themselves uninhibited. This is the wisdom of the cow. The cow, looking outwards, eats grass eternally like a good American. I think we need a holiday dedicated to cows. Our joy, passion, and desires all allowed for a day like the ancient societies. I have a feeling that if we got this started everyone would get behind it. Get it? Be-hind it? Bovines of the Plains Unite!